"How do I get my girlfriend to douche?"

"Somebody knows about my cracked glass!"

"Everyone started laughing, and I got raped in the ass and the mouth."

"God bless America. And the authors of this book."

"How we doing on time?"

"Honey, come here. Whip out your tits. Show Nick."

"Hey, I'm having trouble with this Rape!"

"Shit is too crazy now. You get some girl in your car, next thing you know you're in fuckin' prison for four years."

"Do you know what happened in your life just now? A porn!"

"Are penises disgusting?"

"I'm gonna put a Tolerable Curse on you. Beanbag! Beanbag!"

"Free for all, kids. Bring your guns to school; bring your markers."

"Just get me off and leave me out of it."

Use referral code KATG at AdamAndEve.com for free gifts and 50% off almost every item.

"Did your dad touch his tongue to your penis?"

"Self-esteem is on the Dollar Menu."

"I feel like a piece of shit."

"Is it wrong that I want to look at your asshole?"

"Now you know. I'm a freak."

"I always got punched as a kid. I never understood it."

"I think my uncle just raped me."

"You want to talk to me like you're a basic bitch, then cool."

IT'S FUNNY CAUSE IT'S true: The story of Little Baby Faggot

"What do I gotta do? Be under my bed fuckin' a cat?"

Keith tries his hand at technical support

"I'm gonna mix it in my mouth."

"90% of people say Mark Sanchez is a douche bag."

"You had to be a little bit of a bitch, huh? Right on, man. Now you know who we are."

"Keith and The Girl has its fiftieth (50) body modification."

"I put a baby in the dishwasher."

"When is it appropriate to lie under the forks of a forklift truck?"

"I'm gonna cut the motherfucker's index finger off."

"I was attempting to be serious, but you're unteachable."

"I am definitely not blowing up the airport."

"I think it was out of my system when I fucked you in my dad's church."

"I tried to get everything to bite me. A dog... I thought I'd be The Wolfman."

"Stop punching me in the nads!"

"I'm the healthiest in this room. I promise you."

"Just like you, I'm another Little Baby Faggot."

"For a guy with one ball, this guy has a lotta guts."

"I'm trying to sleep with you. I don't know you. Is that disgusting?"

"You can't be crackin' no keg if you ain't hittin' no forty."

1102: Psycho Competitive

"I know I'm being recorded!"

171: Rockstar (29:15-50:45) More convention talk, and Chemda runs into an old flame. 174: Smell the Roses (27:15-38:30) The rather intere...

168: Venus and My Cock (BEGIN-15:15, 20:00-34:00) From Venice, CA. Keith and Chemda dangerously set up all their gear in the hotel room t...

"Can't grab a dick with a backhand."

"Does Jonas like cottage cheese?"

"I'll punch you in the fuckin' mouth if you're 18!"

"He had to be rougher with me, and I would have fucked him."

"We're gettin' too old for pussy paintin'."

Keith performs stand-up in NYC

"Don't be a fuckin' jerk off! This place is fuckin' Party Central!"

"Just want to suck each other off and get some work done."

"A dude punches a girl in the face, and I wasn't necissarily on her side."

âYou hold the door open for the world forever; youâre never gonna get inside.â

"Sometimes the show makes you discover what a fuckin' retard you are."

"He was LOLing all over his stomach."

"Somebody always wants to jerk off in something."

"In court they actually talked about Brumski."

"People hate me."

"I'm not done with you yet. Not by a long shot!"

"Tonight I'm gonna fuckin' suck ya."

"You're on my Not Allowed list!"

"I'll let a girl know before she's about to go down on me that way it's not a surprise."

"I don't care! You're not sucking me in!"

"Your marriage is based on a lie already."

"The teachers tell me to put the baby under my seat. That's ridiculous!"

"I can't even anymore."

100 for 30: Pat Dixon and Jesse Joyce

"I actually considered taking my own life."

"Don't cut yourself unless it's from a good place."

"Ovaries, much?"

"You know what? She should be fearful of her life."

"I bet you she has nothing nice to say about you, and you fucked her ten times."

"You guys jerk off on webcams and stuff now?"

"Don't even answer the door..."

"Pedro Martinez looks like a koala fucked a retard."

"I know you won't eat me."

"I will drink all the shit out of my butt."

"Are you a whore?"

"I like him a lot. This hurts me."

"This is very offensive to the room. I know you're just half-retarded. And so you're forgiven."

"This is very offensive to the room. I know you're just half-retarded. And so you're forgiven."

"Peace, love and Keith and The Girl."

"Whose penis is that?"

"I'm gonna be upset about this, and at the same time really happy."

100 for 30: Victor Varnado

"I'm very appalled. I didn't understand. I thought that you'd treat us with respect and dignity."

"He ain't wrong, but he ain't right."

"You're putting your penis in his daughter's vagina."

"I just got off the phone with your dad, Chemda, and he says you're lying."

"I tell you everything. Just some things you can't fuckin' handle."

"You were gonna watch us having sex. It was kinda kinky, kind of interesting."

"This is a girl laying on the floor, and you stomped on her."

"Nobody's leaving this alive."

"I'm gonna fight this guy!"

Keith, Myq Kaplan and Jeremy go for the gold

"Have a sense of humor, Shithead."

"Don't do acid or mushrooms in an artist's house."

"You're not the prick cocksucker that was on Keith's DVD after all."

"Act like a man! Cum like a man!"

"Why do you do drugs in front of your kids?"

"Be careful! Mom just discovered Google!"

100 for 30: Myq Kaplan

"I hate doing this talk show! I hate it!"

"Justice runs on Little Baby Faggot Time."

"Your lips are a hot dog bun. Want a picnic? I'll bring the meat. Also you're a whore I met on 18th street."

"I do have to say something though about the new intern. This is gonna hurt feelings."

100 for 30: Ray DeVito

"Which brings me to my next question: Will you get totally nude for $130? That would be pretty wild. Wild and affordable."

"You're a shit-box. How can I be clearer?"

"I was nuts, and I was an asshole."

"I do like to get hurt."

"Ever wake up with your foot in the toilet?"

"I'm gonna fuck way more cancer patients than you before the year is over."

"You both deserved each other! I'm glad you made each other's lives Hell!"

"Alright, I gotta go suck dick now. You behave."

"Only assholes get MS."

"I'm about to beep all over myself."

"It feels like they're stealing my farts."

"I really don't know if I have something in my ass or not."

Chemda laughs at an MS joke and joins the likes of Adolf Hitler and Jack the Ripper

"I'm not the same guy I was a year ago."

Intern Mike receives and pontificates on his Keith and The Girl cutting and branding.

Chemda, Matt, Lauren and Intern Mike compete in the 1st Annual Chili Competition

"Fuck you! I fuck your sons! I fuck your daughters!"

"Come on over, guys. I got a gun."

"It's Keith vs. Chemda now. You wanted it!"

"I really should just beat the fuck out of you."

Keith, Brother Love and the KATG audience put Myka FOX!!! on the spot

"Just a simple jerk-off. Who knew?"

"First time I've been offended by the show."

"I can, without slander, call him homosexual."

"I'm an advanced man, and I like to do it in the ass."

Keith, Pat, Jeremy, Cole and Intern Mike compete in the 1st Annual Burger Competition

"If I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you."

"Keith is belittling someone after he talked about tearing his dick with a Brillo Pad."

"Shit, I'm pretty fuckin' gay..."

"Jesus Christ, can't you lighten up for five fuckin' minutes?!"

"Your mommy sucked my dick for two dollars."

"Get the fuck out the way, Nana."

"Get the fuck out the way, Nana."

"There's no way to win is the answer."

"My fists are thirsty for Ray's balls."

"Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you what you are like."

"Drama will be soon."

"You apparently have never been ninja-fucked."

"I will not let a shit-head offend me."

"This is a drunk sudden movement venue."

"I don't have a problem with sleeping with a lot of comedians."

"I'll be back later 'cause you like to beat people."

"They pay you for this crap. It's amazing. God bless 'em."

"I've had an olive in my ass."

"I'm very in touch with Me."

"I'm not alone. But you know that don't mean I'm not lonely."

"I lost my shit."

"Two days notice, and Keith will do whatever you want."

"I'm a fuckin' animal, and all I do is fight."

"You're gonna sue the child for blowing your husband..."

"Now I'm about to violate your trust."

"Don't Palin Me."

"It was the beginning of the end."

"Is this against the law if your baby like looks over here for a second?"

"Let's get a few things straight."

"If you want to know who your real enablers are: It's your listeners."

"One boring fucking day at a time..."

"He brought like Hot Pockets to The Greatest Chefs in the World Competition."

"All my friends are lying to me!"

"It was too soon when you touched my children!"

"Somebody kill me today. It's not gonna get better."

"I'm the fuckin' meltin' pot, A-fuck!"

"If you are going to pay for sex it better be dirty because at home: the laundry is folded."

"For those of you who no longer wish to honor who I am and what I do, I truly wish you death."

"Your backyard is where I vacation! How ya like that?!"

"She vaginad her way into the position."

"I wanna fuck a girl who I put it in her ass and she doesn't even turn around to see who it is."

"I think we might owe you an apology, actually."

"Let's get back to the story: He tells me to cum on his face..."

"Time to go out raping, I guess."

"I'm the kid you jerked off, you fuckin' son of a bitch."

"This isn't a town that says, 'Keep the change.'"

"Kiss my dick, Spooky!"

"Everything looks sexy. She has no control."

"It's not a very nice show."

"It ain't no note-takin' faggot baa! It's a drinkin' baa!"

"We are a team! You hate who I hate!"

"Sometimes you gotta put your penis places."

"It's like I'm fuckin' me!"

"Don't go to the dildo store when you're horny."

"Don't pull me into this."

"My life would be over if I was allowed to say whatever I could say."

"It's never good to throw things at gang members."

"Two thumbs down, and two middle fingers up."

"Do you understand how sad this is, ladies?"

"Go home, and quit touching each other."

"I partied even crazier the next night to the point where like my knees are like bloody-colored and bruises and..."

"That is when your and F-MOS' advice came to mind. She was suddenly feeling doubts, so I just whipped my dick out."

"I'm the undisputed all-time champion comedy king comedy!"

"I happen to be the crossover nigger of America."

"Tell me what level of a scumbag I am."

"I can't explain my disease."

"I think you were high on whiskey."

"When you're aware of the world, it makes your heart cry."

"Are you gonna swear again, you stupid bitch?"

"What the fuck are y'all laughin' at, man?"

"You think you can just not answer the phone call? You have to answer the phone call now!"

"Keith, I'm gay, and that's my brother I'm trying to fuck."

"Shit talkers don't get to decide when the shit talking ends."

"You have no sense."

"Once in awhile you have to go out and fuck somebody else."

"Was she able to fuck the whole collection?"

"If you're not uncomfortable, you're not a comedy fan."

"If you can put up drywall you're in."

"Have I hit a woman before? Hell yeah."

"Stop spreading rumors about me!"

"I'm the only person with human decency!"

"I know you're fucking lying!"

Check out the full video at KATG.com/live

"If you could stop talking about me that'd be fuckin' FANTASTIC!"

"We have some more vomiting tonight. What's going on?"

"My logic can break you down."

"Keep eating your shit!"

"I got shot in the face."

"I maybe not say this but if the Keith is not good to you and go to away from him. I would love the you."

"I shit me drawers."

"If Intern punches me in the face: so be it."

"Maybe you're scared of what you don't understand, because I understand everything."

"I love Lying Day."

"You must have the rustiest asshole this side of the Mississippi."

"I'm a Butt Sex Pioneer. I'll take it for $5.95."

"Why do you cut yourself?"

"Keith is a bigger pussy than I thought."

"This heart didn't come with instructions."

"'Fuck' is okay. 'Cunt' is okay. I think we're ready."

"Show that you're a little dirty bitch."

"You told me to be more assertive, so I beat the shit out of kids."

"You're an idiot mom. That's why you have an idiot kid."

"I'm writing to tell you that I've been teetering this way and that over whether or not to continue listening."

"Oh, let's get it on!"

"This is like, literally, it has to be one of the dumbest - if not the dumbest - thing I've ever done."

"I'm nicer than all you fake fucks. Fuck you."

"What's your job besides not having babies?"

"Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?"

"It was nice talking to you. Now let's never talk again."

"If we have cloning, I would clone you and then murder both of you."

Revelers enjoy the Party! Super Party!

"How much money do you have in your bank right now?"

"He listened to the show, and now does not speak to me."

"You've been shaming the family since you were nine?"

"I don't believe in baking. I never did."

"I will not be a victim!"

"He looks at me and goes - and I quote: 'What have you done lately?'"

"Who's to say we don't want to just show our tits and need a good excuse?"

"Nothing's ever sick enough for the Asians."

"He's not gonna try something. I'll punch him in the mouth."

"Let's just say I've been kind of a mess lately."

"You've made a very big mistake."

"Pen in your eye!"

"You know you're gonna get a lot of shit for this, right?"

"I get it; you got AIDS. Let's play some music."

"It's not like I never had ass sex before. Let's be clear and honest."

"I've got twenty dollars if you're bored and wanna kill anyone."

"You go to KeithandTheGirl.com right now: there is video where something shitty is going on. And maybe literally."

"That is gonna be just a horrible day when you figure shit out."

"Every time I act, this guy's pointing a fucking camera at me!"

"Let's see if Patrice is an idiot."

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"You got something to say to this prick?!"

"Now you can check asshole without you turning into an animal yourself!"

"I knew I was onto something. Who do I sue?"

"What are you most disappointed in her about?"

"I truly apologize for anything and everything. I am the only one at fault here."

"I think you're a dildo, and not the kind I want in my vagina. I wasn't staring at you, you self-conscious douche."

"I really want you to just bang a chair over her face."

"If you're lookin' for asshole, you're gonna find asshole."

"You can't Jew me down when I'm talkin' about suckin' bear dick."

"Thank you for helping me be a better person."

"The challenge is basically to prove Keith wrong."

"You're being a little bitch 'cause you're not looking at me."

"I like women the same way I like my coffee. I don't like coffee."

"Someone starts blowing me, and I don't know who it is."

"Oh my God! You too, Adam?!"

"I got your medicine..."

"Good morning, mother fucker."

"Their own god can't even milk itself."

"Are you friends with Bill?"

"Don't masturbate hard; masturbate smart."

"I'm gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job."

Keith and Chemda in the classic Mexican Food Standoff

"Was that the first time Chemda realized that she was dating a drunk?"

"You can have some of my butt."

"I only became a drunk when you started drinking less."

Keith and The Girl teach you about caring for a newborn

"Quit rippin' off the fuckin' workin' man!"

"I just finished. Gotcha!"

"You are so fuckin' jealous..."

"It will be on my tombstone."

"We had to have hung out at least three times before threatening to kill me."

"When they're dead I can't make them cry."

"Never been more offended..."

"If you ever just feel like yelling at me: Don't."

"I don't want my dick back in a knot. Just suck it."

"You're better than me. The End."

"Where are the coloreds getting their water?"

Our very Sexy PotatoE stunts her maturity

"Sometimes we have really creepy moments."

"I will destroy your life. I'm not kidding."

"Sounds a little Hate Crime to me..."

"Get ready to punch your friend in the face."

"They have to admit that Keith Malley is nicer than Adam Curry."

"I demand that everyone act appropriately."

"Here's a picture of my dick. That should tide you over."

"If someone hands you The Meaning of Life, how do you go on living?"

"Yes, you were a jerk. Everyone hates you for what you did."

"All your compliments offend me."

"Can I get a party size glass of that?"

"You're not gonna pervert our relationship."

"You know what's in my brain right now? Fucking you, 9-year-old."

"You get nothing until you apologize to me!"

"You have the disease that I don't like to hang out with."

"This is going to end badly."

"The problem is your penis wasn't out."

"If he's wet, he's a pedophile!"

"The phone number's open for your apology, you fuckin' bitch."

"Good comedy is based on research."

"Do we need to stop this?"

"You have the right to remain silent."

"I bet I could beat the ever-livin' shit out of you."

"I cannot guarantee reliability, sobriety or even coherentness."

Our heroes trip balls - Mike the Intern, McNally and Keith

Check out the full video at KATG.com/live

"Your vagina's eatin' my dick."

"Oh my God, do you want babies?"

"I was in my own glass thing. So I couldn't get out of the box. And the box kept pushin' me - maybe 'cause I'm flyin' through space like ...

"If we fought, I would not be surprised."

"You'll say it like it is. What do you think of Israel?"

"Name one good day as a couple that we've had together."

"Raise your pizzas."

"He's come a long way from when he was eating shit in the bathroom."

"Send out your signals: Don't fuck around the Malleys' house."

"If you don't leave now, I will shoot you."

"Nice try, bitch! I know about podcasting."

"I'll get that baby out today."

"They're just hoping we don't shoot up the place."

"What are the chances of my parole officer being here?"

"The irony is you don't like you."

"This is Knock Shit Outta People's Hands Area, and you're in it."

"If it looks weird and smells weird, don't do it."

"Chemda said I'm allowed to punch him right in the face."

"Every deal that we've gotten is because we have potty mouths."

"I'll burn that bridge when I come to it."

"Do I look like an asshole if I sit you down and explain to you how to curse? Cause holy cunt-balls..."

"He wouldn't shake my hand in person, but now I'm gonna check his asshole cancer."

"Maybe you should have thought about that when you got knocked up near power lines."

"This dog just fucked me!"

"You're drunk! Shut your mouth!"

"I ain't talkin' about the vagina, honey."

"Too approachable! I'm too good!"

"I need faces! I need faces!"

"Don't let our amusement throw you."

Keith and The Girl try to get married

"More people need to be quiet and start diaries."

"Get up. You're not having a panic attack."

"It's time for me to stop being scared, and time to make others start."

"Why am I the representative of all things you hate today?"

"Never would I ever come across as a whore. And for you to suggest that is just disgusting."

"And to think I should be dead."

"Call ahead."

"Hey, sorry. My bad. I'm out. We're done."

"Nobody thinks there's any consequences."

"Would this make you applaud?!"

"Adam just looks horrified right now."

"A whole bunch of sperm at once makes you tell bad puns all the time."

"You're not sending a signal that I should start fucking your face?"

"Let me tell you how I feel about THAT person..."

"Let's have a fuckin' baby! Let's end this shit!"

"I want to work with you. Please tell me the secret of The Ancients."

"I've decided that I just'm gonna play you what I recorded when it happened because it's honest, and... that's what I do."

"Fuck you, God. There, I said it."

"You're dead. I'm gonna kill you."

"I can't tell if this guy is boasting a little too much about it, or he's just amazed that he's even alive."

"Tell me the bad things about me."

"I'd eat a buddy of mine. Happily."

"We are so much more tolerant of you fuckers."

"Are you the retard where I need to acknowledge you or not acknowledge you?

"Welcome to the club. See you in Hell."

"How sad your life is, Keith... to not know love..."

"You think Mevio keeps their tents? I doubt it."

"This is a human being? Well I gotta look that word up. 'Cause I don't think it is."

"If you think you've heard Chemda on 11; no you haven't. You've heard her on 3. That's all you ever heard her on."

"If you think you've heard Chemda on 11; no you haven't. You've heard her on 3. That's all you ever heard her on."

"Fuck you, England. I didn't forget."

"You don't even know where you are, Big Boy."

"You can't make somebody happy."

"You can't make somebody happy."

"Your kegerator is fuckin' up my tongue."

"Nobody's tricking me anymore."

"The Seven Year Itch is comin'..."

"Why do we need to give everybody a chance?"

"I'm not a thief, okay? I'm a very very upstanding citizen."

"You're my only fuckin' truly honest friend, and for that, sir, you're forever."

"This was a horrible thing I did."

"Dick... tasted like sprinkles."

"You shouldn't have a drink because you're gonna go to bed and pee yourself."

"We just want to be in Guinness."

"I'll tell you this, all you genius parents with your point of view..."

"If you can do me a favor and not sniff your own pussy too much in my bathroom, I'd appreciate it."

"I want a baby."

"Well, I mean, six years later I find out it wasn't the real thing..."

"I've always been a fat person. My whole family are fat people."

"Keith and The Girl will fail as a show because I will shoot my listeners in the face."

A highlight reel of 14-year-old KATG Internet Sensation Bruno G

"I know I fucked him somehow. I just couldn't remember."

"Do we want to place a bet?"

"If anyone out there who's listening to this listens to that hateful piece of trash called Keith and The Girl..."

"You owe me $5. You played The Motherfucker."

"If we were in jail, your mouth would be first."

"I haven't actually told this to anybody. Ever."

"You're not dragging me into your Above and Beyond."

"Then how did I get scalping tickets to your Bat Mitzvah, cunt?"

"You know what tastes the best? Satisfaction."

"Would it be easier to sleep with her if you quit imagining that she's your sister?"

"You smell like rent."

"What the fuck is your problem, man?!"

"I don't use foul language, and I don't like to hear anyone else use it either."

"I don't mean to sound like some kind of ninja, but I controlled it."

"To hear you say that, honestly, is a slap in the face."

"He smirked at you, then came on your wife."

"I bet there's a lot of skin under her nails."

"But nobody was watching the body, so I got busy."

"I smelled my ass-pants after just to see."

KATG spends time in the Small Country

"I'll pay thirty-five bucks to fuck you."

"It was so ridiculous that we were sitting there eating together."

"Put your hand in my wound thing!"

"You guys are not the easiest people to bring a fuckin' girlfriend around - right? - at all."

"Look at you: Full-On Country!"

The Spooky and Deuce armwrestling rematch

"If I know I'm right, you're so fuckin' wrong."

"You're not gonna ruin my new mom for me, ladies."

"I'm just addicted to broken people."

"This is on the air? We got this?"

"I made myself seem approachable, and I think that's where I went wrong."

"I can't explain to you, your honor, stand-up comedy."

"I did several jabs to the face and an uppercut to the face."

"Let me tell you all the secrets I know!"

"I like it when I win rape scenarios."

"You're gonna get a shitload of prayers comin' your way, buddy."

"People. Aren't. Nice."

"You're a fuckin' idiot, and try to talk less at parties."

"Don't be a bitch! I'm sensitive!"

"When I need to bust a nut, I gotta get into the city toot sweet."

"The advice you've given me has led to a bigger problem."

"We are now gonna see if I am an Asperger."

"Picture the power of this midget, but with brass knuckles!"

"Seriously, why do you hate me so much?!"

"Keep doing your show, assholes. Your life is getting ruined."

"I hate my dad, and I couldn't take it anymore."

"I'm a street nigga. You'll see me."

"The cake is not a lie."

"I have heart. I got the broomstick now."

"Laugh. It only helps me."

"I'm spending $300 tonight, and I'm drunk, and my liver's done."

"Why's everybody coming to me for their enemas anyway?"

"Don't be offended if you're the one giving the speech and it's Hooker Time."

"It was also dark, and you got pushed down by a ho."

"Nothing you say will ever put my family back together."

"Did you just say my time's not fuckin' important with my fake job and fake kids?! Who the fuck are you?!"

"Some of these adults have mentioned things to me that I feel obligated to address, for if they are true as they were described to me, I ...

"I got a gun. Happy anniversary to me."

"He's definitely a little delusional."

"I might be kind of a nightmare to date."

"Are you keeping a secret that could break you two up?"

"It's incredibly hard to find a chick who isn't a just great big retarded whore."

Open Mic Night, Chemda: Fame Whore, White Boys and The Spooky Hot Shot.

"I'm the only person who likes you."

"The problem wasn't so much the raping..."

"And I don't know if I'm like impressed with his skills or saddened that it only took the girls two drinks."

"You know it's gonna get worse, right?"

"You're gonna make me cry! Take this!"

"Where the fuck is it a quarter a minute?"

"The $500,000 question: Have you killed somebody?"

"You think these people are actually thinking straight before they go on this show?"

"You have my phone number! You coulda called me!"

"I know you didn't want to get into this..."

"Now you're back to Square One. You gotta keep selling your vagina on the Internet."

"Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for him."

"I really think he meant I sell my daughter on the street."

"You're in the fuckin' hottest Fuck Room. This is the Keith and The Girl Fuck Room. You're blowin' it."

Crazy Mike, Jesse Joyce and a million Last Comic Standing hopefuls

"When does 'shy' mean you gotta go for my balls?"

"I would not come back for a second punch."

"And I do not want to be on this show, so I'm gonna hang up."

"Are you even listening to your inner monologue?"

"Why do you have a picture of my nuts on your phone?"

Heath Ledger talks from the grave

"If you're coming to my party, bring your purse. Or wallet. I don't sexually discriminate."

"This is an insult? That's so fuckin' cool!"

"Fuck you. You die."

"Have you ever tried or thought about killing somebody else?"

"I told her about the show and gave her a sticker, not ever thinking it would go this far."

"Do you think Keith is hiding pain?"

"Why don't you think about that for awhile?"

Pictionary, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em and vodka - Let's wake up the neighbors

"Shut the fuck up, and stop being a little bitch."

"Death or drugs? Just tell me that."

"The only diss I want to give her is disinfectant."

"I got the crap kicked out of me by one of the American Gladiators yesterday."

"I'm fine, and I don't mind him telling this story."

Personal time with Chemda and Keith

"Stop making me laugh about this! It's foul!"

"Is that going in the documentary? Put that in there. That's a good one."

"Stop. Sit down. Write your own joke."

"It's not okay until I see him cry!"

"I just did that in front of all them?"

"We felt so bad that we fucked up. Everybody wants to die."

"You can burn in Hell, bitch!"

"It's almost like being bisexual."

"You're an asshole, Keith. This is the most asshole move that you make. You're really an asshole."

"You learn to get aggressive really quickly in Europe or else you die."

Disproving the cinnamon challenge myth

"Did you just make cancer sexy?"

"You will not figure this man out until you drink with him at least ten times."

"Cause they were black. You can say they were black."

"You dumbed down my dick."

"You're too horny to google Keith and The Girl."

An inside look at KATG's studio

"Leeroy, why do you always gotta do that?"

"All the more reason to bring back corporal punishment."

"I have MS, and yes, I'm an asshole."

"They're all on my side, ya douche!"

"I'm trying not to be scared of you."

"I can't have kids because I have cysts on my ovaries."

"We don't start these! Ever!"

"Let me hold your wallet while I dance for you. It'll be nicer."

"You never wanted to just stomp a baby?"

"Remember the days they dropped babies off a cliff because it wasn't good enough?"

Keith performs his magics

"I will not be on the show, and I will not discuss any of that."

"All you're doing is sending her home to cry."

"Do you wanna talk about buttplay?"

Chemda's reaction to the world-renowned video 2 Girls 1 Cup

"Hello. You're dead."

"Hey, fuck you assholes, it's time for Armchair Kid Nation!"

"I'm sorry, it was balls. You're fired."

"It's go time, Lord."

Debut episode featuring celebrity guest Heather Mills

"Words hurt N-words."

"I let people call me Dog for my life. You think I'm swift, Larry?"

"We switched to gin, Dad and I."

"Don't call him a pussy. He came to shit, he shat, he's done."

"I bet if you were my boyfriend you'd help me all the time."

"I wish my audience was robots. That's the irony."

"We don't mean that shit. But America would think we mean that."

"'Oh no, people are wiping my ass. That's horrendous.' I think I've earned it! 'Start wipin'.'"

"Pick a fuckin' side, women!"

"Live Free or Die. And you guys chose die."

"Tell me what I'm supposed to feel, Keith."

"I did feel like when I ate it it was made with a hard-on."

"You said you weren't gonna go there, and you did."

"The sincerity of your shit is amazing."

"I was worried that I wouldn't get a boner, and then she would be insulted."

"'Member when crazy made sense?"

"I got ten days to give a fuck."

"So he's watching you jerk off."

"How do you get into someone's butthole like that?"

"You want to eat his asshole; now you're on the side of guns."

"I ride a long bus, and my shit stinks!"

"Finally a Canadian I hate."

"I shit my pants out of choice."

"We say that to our ladies and horses."

"There's too many cameras. You're fuckin' me. You're dead."

"You don't even have to kill people to make a difference."

"You beat your horse gay!"

"I learned it's fun to let other people learn."

"Tonight we settle all family fuckin' debts"

"They're gonna analyze the video and find out who farted and fire them."

"Your son has autism. And only your beautiful tits can save him."

"We are no longer friends."

"I'm very logical. I'm scientific. I will break you down. I'm mathematical."

"I messed up. I didn't slash the."

"I'd date the shit outta you, Patrice."

"Do you think after Chemda and I break up the show can still work?"

"Do we have to be naked?"

"I gotta say, between your mouth and your hairy bush..."

"A handicap ain't got nothin' on me."

"Who can think of 9/11 at a time like this?"

"Brother Love, why did you tell her? It was supposed to be a secret."

"There's no such thing as in a good way with a hippie."

"There's radio shows all over the fuckin' dial. Who gives a shit?"

"Is it a hard thing for you guys to bring your own chair? BYOC."

"He made me into his balls."

"Every time I said, 'show me titties,' I saw titties."

"What came first: the bully or the nerd?"

www.KATG.com/live

"Who says that? I think the Devil says that. I think that's the only person that says that."

"Well, personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map."

"And I'll tell you this: It will not be podsafe."

"Are you a retard, or am I an asshole?"

"That's why this and my brother should both be in jail."

"She looks like sucky sucky dollar."

"Let me feel single in this porta potty."

"And then we got naked and put something in me."

"'I can't believe you shared this.' Well you shouldn't have done it!"

"On bringing uh... uh... liquid refreshment: no liquor, no wine, no beer in any form."

"I see what you're doing, Keith. Don't do it."

"Jail did not tame you, and I like to see that!"

"Why would I go into a situation where I'm kind of surprised I wasn't arrested?"

"And these people are watching you on your knees?"

"People don't understand my trials!"

"Your marshmallow fat fuck is getting too big! Calm down!"

"She's jerking you off with her shin?"

"The maggots eat away the diseases and your penis."

"It's like Keith and I went to like a marriage counseling weekend."

"I'm not a whore, you bastard!"

"Ain't nobody in this room Voldemort. Own it."

"Alright this is it. Parked my car. I wish everyone who ever was nice to me well. See you in the next life."

"Admit to yourself you're powerless."

"Doesn't everybody understand that Keith is sensitive?"

"You just picture 'em walkin' around that whole country like dummies."

"Tyrone pissed in the bed last night."

"Aughh, I don't want that bony hug."

"Aughh, I don't want that bony hug."

"Great news for members of PodShow."

"I swear to God if I see you guys make out again..."

"I swear to God if I see you guys make out again..."

"Everybody caught a case of ninth grade."

"Everybody caught a case of ninth grade."

"Rhian, did I kiss you?"

"Rhian, did I kiss you?"

"Not a nicer fuckin' country."

"Not a nicer fuckin' country."

KATG.com/live

"Nobody was thinking about you, Keith Malley."

"Nobody was thinking about you, Keith Malley."

"There's just nothing nice that come out of these fuckin' throats."

"There's just nothing nice that come out of these fuckin' throats."

"I wasn't walking around like an ape throwing shit, was I?"

"I wasn't walking around like an ape throwing shit, was I?"

"Behave! Behave, Matthew!"

"Behave! Behave, Matthew!"

"If I'm the classiest bitch of upstate New York then that's fuckin' sad."

"If I'm the classiest bitch of upstate New York then that's fuckin' sad."

"Take out your dictionary, get your wine, and buttfuck each other."

"Take out your dictionary, get your wine, and buttfuck each other."

"Pussy has an amazing way of changing your point of view."

"Pussy has an amazing way of changing your point of view."

"You were gonna kill yourself if I didn't take you back. What was going through your head?"

"You were gonna kill yourself if I didn't take you back. What was going through your head?"

"You had me balls deep but God forbid I touched your hair."

"You had me balls deep, but God forbid I touched your hair."

Whatever she got is stronger than herpes.

"Whatever she got is stronger than herpes."

"'Suck my dick' means you may suck my dick at best."

"'Suck my dick' means you may suck my dick at best."

"I don't think anything is too far."

"I don't think anything is too far."

"This is a doublewide, baby."

This is a doublewide, baby.

"I'm having trouble hearing you ladies with all that bum dick in your mouth."

I'm having trouble hearing you ladies with all that bum dick in your mouth.

"I don't know if you know this, but some women are C U Next TuesdayS."

I don't know if you know this, but some women are C U Next TuesdayS.

"All that needs edited out."

All that needs edited out.

"I guess she can just hand us the money and then drop his pants."

I guess she can just hand us the money and then drop his pants.

"Can I call out the bitch who fuckin' turned me in?"

Can I call out the bitch who fuckin' turned me in?

You broke out the Keith Malley Asshole Tone.

"You broke out the Keith Malley Asshole Tone."

Dicks throw me. Constantly.

Dicks throw me. Constantly.

"Is this the guy's way of sizing us up?"

Is this the guy's way of sizing us up?

"I can't help you. You did the Chicken Dance."

I can't help you. You did the Chicken Dance.

"You lose if you're all Cranky Bitchy McBitch."

You lose if you're all Cranky Bitchy McBitch.

"Your ovaries will fall out your mouth."

Your ovaries will fall out your mouth.

"Well hurry up, I gotta rape you."

Well hurry up, I gotta rape you.

"You're goofy and stupid and you're not on my side ever because you're such a dummy dumb and you get high all the time."

You're goofy and stupid and you're not on my side ever because you're such a dummy dumb and you get high all the time.

"If you think it's cool to spread and encourage this wave of misogyny then best of luck to you."

If you think it's cool to spread and encourage this wave of misogyny then best of luck to you.

"Please don't repeat this on the show."

Please don't repeat this on the show.

"Don't escalate me. "

Don't escalate me.

"That's what you do when a Dee is right there."

That's what you do when a Dee is right there.

"Can't wait for your spin-off show, Dummy."

Can't wait for your spin-off show, Dummy.

"When in doubt I reference my vagina."

When in doubt I reference my vagina.

"'Where you goin'?' 'To fuck your friend. Good times and bad times...'"

'Where you goin'?' 'To fuck your friend. Good times and bad times...'

"Anyone who talks to me like that is getting talked to exactly the same way back. So prepare yourself if you want that to be our relation...

Anyone who talks to me like that is getting talked to exactly the same way back. So prepare yourself if you want that to be our relations...

"Sex after anything cures it. Come on."

Sex after anything cures it. Come on.

"And if you don't like that, sir, you can eat out my inner asshole."

And if you don't like that, sir, you can eat out my inner asshole.

"I don't know with these clowns."

I don't know with these clowns.

"I don't know these clowns."

Lick my nuts; suck my deep fried balls.

"Lick my nuts; suck my deep fried balls."

"Another podcast first?"

Another podcast first?

"You're gonna be performing your face in a pillow."

You're gonna be performing your face in a pillow.

"I'm supposed to be doing this stuff in private."

I'm supposed to be doing this stuff in private.

"I get upset sometimes. I get upset sometimes..."

I get upset sometimes. I get upset sometimes...

"He screwed her up the stage; he screwed her down the stage."

"i was wondering if you would let me interview you two, its for a school project, it wont take long, ill just send you30-40 questions, an...

i was wondering if you would let me interview you two, its for a school project, it wont take long, ill just send you30-40 questions, and...

He screwed her up the stage; he screwed her down the stage.

"You walk around acting like I can fuck you. That's all you do."

You walk around acting like I can fuck you. That's all you do.

"You've been Phone Snapped!"

Youve been Phone Snapped!

"Chemda has what they call emotions."

Chemda has what they call emotions.

"We got a special guest: Dumby Dunce that'll just sit here all day."

We got a special guest: Dumby Dunce thatll just sit here all day.

"Try to make money, and have a nice life. That's all I can tell you. We're all doomed."

Try to make money, and have a nice life. Thats all I can tell you. Were all doomed.

"Don't give us shit. Make me earn shit."

Dont give us shit. Make me earn shit.

69: The Girl On Vicodin (June 8 05) Keith creates a new robot-resistance movement. (7:30 to 9:00) 82: America We Stand As One (June 27 05...

69: The Girl On Vicodin (June 8 05) Keith creates a new robot-resistance movement. (7:30 to 9:00) 82: America We Stand As One (June 27 05...

Change your KATG feed to http://KATG.com/rss to never miss another show.

81: Earning Daddy's Approval (June 24 05) Keith's dad and his many, oh, lets call them eccentricities. (22:30 to 45:00) 59: Fuck a Title ...

81: Earning Daddys Approval (June 24 05) Keiths dad and his many, oh, lets call them eccentricities. (22:30 to 45:00) 59: Fuck a Title We...

74: The Greatest Generation (June 15 05) Chemda does a clown job at a VA hospital barbecue. (BEGIN to 8:30) 52: Working From Home (May 16...

74: The Greatest Generation (June 15 '05) Chemda does a clown job at a VA hospital barbecue. (BEGIN to 8:30) 52: Working From Home (May 1...

76: How To F*** (June 17 05) Chemda and her brother, Michael, regale each other with stories of innocence and beauty. Count the number of...

76: How To F*** (June 17 '05) Chemda and her brother, Michael, regale each other with stories of innocence and beauty. Count th...

71: Danny Yale's Mom is a Bad Parent (June 10 '05) - Chemda goes coo-coos McGoos over her food-packed gum-holes. (15:30 to 23:30) 72: Jac...

71: Danny Yales Mom is a Bad Parent (June 10 05) - Chemda goes coo-coos McGoos over her food-packed gum-holes. (15:30 to 23:30) 72: Jacks...

49: DJ Quad (May 11 '05) - Prophetically, Keith injures his finger and learns what disability feels like. Then they talk to a real cripp...

49: DJ Quad (May 11 05) - Prophetically, Keith injures his finger and learns what disability feels like. Then they talk to a real cripple...

"This is from the New York City Police Department. And how do you know Keith?"

This is from the New York City Police Department. And how do you know Keith?

"Eat this you giant tree trunk piece of ass!"

Eat this you giant tree trunk piece of ass!

"We would rather be addicted to the most powerful heroin than be fucked by this old motherfucker."

We would rather be addicted to the most powerful heroin than be fucked by this old motherfucker.

"I think Keith's first DVD broke up my relationship."

I think Keiths first DVD broke up my relationship.

"I've got a weapon in Central Park I gotta go pick up."

Ive got a weapon in Central Park I gotta go pick up.

"Lick balls. Hope for the best."

Lick balls. Hope for the best.

"I'm not racist. Look how dark my girlfriend's skin is."

Im not racist. Look how dark my girlfriends skin is.

"There is a divine blessing for brumski."

There is a divine blessing for brumski.

"A-no-no-no! A-no-no-no! Welcome to New York City, Keith!"

"A-no-no-no! A-no-no-no! Welcome to New York City, Keith!"

"Actually your boobies are some of the nicest boobies I've ever seen."

"Actually your boobies are some of the nicest boobies I've ever seen."

"Brumski's the new way we do business."

"Brumski's the new way we do business."

"That's what I did. That's what I did. I can live with that."

"That's what I did. That's what I did. I can live with that."

"Do you do that with people you fake don't like? We had something, you fake fuck!"

"Do you do that with people you fake don't like? We had something, you fake fuck!"

"Deuce wants to have an old Israeli sit-down with me, and that concerns me."

"Deuce wants to have an old Israeli sit-down with me, and that concerns me."

"You don't call a girl a faggot, Homo."

"You don't call a girl a faggot, Homo."

"Keith and The Girl will get his penis. I guarantee it. I promise you."

"Keith and The Girl will get his penis. I guarantee it. I promise you."

"Now are you on Keith and The Girl's side? Now are you? Ridiculous."

"Now are you on Keith and The Girl's side? Now are you? Ridiculous."

"Pod-people don't play nice with each other."

"Pod-people don't play nice with each other."

"I get to see the Keith and Chemda that a lot of people don't get to see. And it's lovely, don't get me wrong. But..."

"I get to see the Keith and Chemda that a lot of people don't get to see. And it's lovely, don't get me wrong. But..."

"War is delightful. Yeah, to those that haven't yet experienced it."

"War is delightful. Yeah, to those that haven't yet experienced it."

"I'm not startin' a fight..."

"I'm not startin' a fight..."

"What a table of not nice people, including your wife, dude."

"What a table of not nice people, including your wife, dude."

"There's your fuckin' freedom of speech!"

Theres your fuckin freedom of speech!

"Whoa whoa whoa. Now say that again in slower."

"Whoa whoa whoa. Now say that again in slower."

"Can you understand why people would be homophobic?

"Can you understand why people would be homophobic?"

"If you dare call my shit a monkeybox..."

"If you dare call my shit a monkeybox..."

"I'll tell you what: I beat you, and I would like you to call in the show and just admit that I am very very smart."

I'll tell you what: I beat you, and I would like you to call in the show and just admit that I am very very smart.

"My penis is digital."

My penis is digital.

"I'd like to kill myself and then get it back."

I'd like to kill myself and then get it back.

"If you won the bajillion dollar lottery, would you still do the show?"

If you won the bajillion dollar lottery, would you still do the show?

"I can't love you this much and you not give a fuck."

I can't love you this much and you not give a fuck.

"And don't you dare go, 'What's the big deal?' If you don't know, then you're a fuckin' idiot!"

And don't you dare go, 'What's the big deal?' If you don't know, then you're a fuckin' idiot!

"Liar, liar, liar with your pants on fire - always goin' back on your word."

Liar, liar, liar with your pants on fire - always goin' back on your word.

"There are no secrets. Only information you don't yet have."

There are no secrets. Only information you don't yet have.

"Daily downloads of all their shows combined - all their shows combined at PodShow.com..."

Daily downloads of all their shows combined - all their shows combined at PodShow.com...

www.KATG.com/live

www.KATG.com/live

"Secret notebooks and lies. Y'all got a good thing goin' here."

Secret notebooks and lies. Y'all got a good thing goin' here.

"You have Brumski; I have Chamsa."

You have Brumski; I have Chamsa.

"You're not that important. You're gonna be alive again tomorrow."

"Now go get your cane, Little Baby Faggot."

"I need Jesus to help me deal with you."

"I'm not underage, but I'm a whore."

"I swoop on suckers like an eagle not a sparrow."

"No, balls smell good sometimes."

"That's really gross. That's really the end of time."

"I woulda really had the dick in the box. Who's gonna know?"

"Why can't I think of anything but eat shit?"

"Is any of this your problem? I'm just curious if that's your problem."

"I don't wanna be in a foxhole with some bullshit knight."

"Keith, just tell me what to do. I can't function."

"You come from a long line of fucked up."

"They wake up and piss their bed in your house? No. Sideline ho."

"That's a stupid point though, and you know that."

"This is what ethnics are like. They're just like, 'WAAAH!'"

"We do Internet stuff now."

"I don't have fuckin' time to keep you down. Who the fuck has time to keep your stupid-ass down?"

"It's all in your head. They take like a bucket of nothing and don't dump it on you."

"I'll drink his cat piss for a good pleasant conversation."

"I'll do anything now. I don't give a fuck if I get fired."

"And by the way nothin's real. I made all that up."

"I eat your hate like love grenades."

"It doesn't matter how cool of a chick you are; you don't need a show about your not boyfriend."

"If you were my wife I'd divorce you for sayin' that!"

"Patrice, have you had intercourse?"

"I can't believe I'm here on such an important day."

"KeithandTheGirl.com/donate. We know what all of you did."

"No family supports any of that bullshit."

"...and my grandmother walked in and took the doll away."

"Keith wants to feel normal again. Quick, somebody admit it."

"Life's a big lollipop to mechanics."

"Happy New Year, _______!"

- Segment #1 March 16, 2005 - Episode 8: "Clowning Around" (approx. 00:24 to 25:00) With Andrea: The three swap clowning stories and se...

- Segment #1 May 6, 2005 - Episode 46: "Shit Doesn't Freeze" (approx. 3:50 to 15:45) With Patrice: Yep, THAT story. Plus, the first KA...

- Segment #1 April 6, 2005 - Episode 24: "I'll Find You, John Petrie" (approx. 23:00 to 54:00) K & C swap roommate horror stories, inc...

- Segment  #1  March 30, 2005 - Episode 19: "Baby's First Phone Call" (approx. 17:00 to 41:00)  More on stand-up...

- Segment #1  April 11,  2005 - Episode 27: "Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype"  (approx. 37:55 to 48:45)&nb...

- Segment #1  March 27, 2005 - Episode 16:  "Easter Spectacular and the Gay Cruise" (approx. 00:30 to 17:00)  Di...

"Fuck you. And you know who you are."

"By the end it will just be Keith in a room. With a mic and a palm pilot."

"In 2007: Fuck everybody."

"This missile brought to you by KATG.com and USAF AMMO."

"You don't get to be the asshole 'cause you were born that way. We all get to be the asshole."

"How's that for a break?"

"'Cause they seem like a couple right now! Girls, are you with me?"

"God deliberately made us so that when sick shit happens to us when we're young we don't remember."

"Hate 'em for being the equivalent of me breaking into your house and wiping a strange 12-foot dick across your neck."

"This is like Keepin' It Real Take 2."

"Whoa. A lot a fuckin' demands for bein' a heifer, honey."

"She perks up when she hears the phrase 'tits were workin''."

"Then you can write it on your Taste Chart how that girl was."

"Me and every black rapper - are you kidding? You don't know us."

"Still, I want them to know, it only takes an apology."

"There's no way to fuckin' win, old man!"

"Happy birthday; let's break up as an experiment."

"Just keep readin' your newspaper headlines. It's doin' ya fuckin' wonders."

"It reminded me of the kind of stuff that 6 and 7-year-old boys tell each other in the bathroom."

"You're weird. That is stupi-creepy."

"We all have to behave in a way that's better than what comes naturally to us."

"Maybe you sign a waiver in case you hit somebody in the face."

"Disney isn't liquoring me up to get through this bullshit another day."

"You're the one who asked, asshole!"

"Who's not a priest now? You're welcome!"

"Spooky Manifesto: he's lookin' for ladies."

"Anyway, thanks for your poo story."

"Everybody knows at this point I get killed."

"Let's open up the air mattress and sleep under the kitchen table like the celebrities we are."

www.KATG.com/live

"Now it's premeditated. You will go to jail."

"They fuckin' ride horses and hit a dead goat's head around!"

"Oh you're one of them? Go fuck yourself!"

"That is sexy, when you were talkin' about in the car. I was just overwhelmed 'cause it was so hot."

"Make fun! I'm the only one trying to make a difference!"

"I was lookin' for a Teenage Girls Makin' Out, but wait a minute; I can use some tubing."

"A good wife always knows her place."

"Whatever damage BET didn't get done..."

"This is the soundtrack to the inside of a stroke or a coma. This is what goes on in your head."

"I decided to take my life a different route."

"Sounds like somebody slept with the wrong person."

"Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to this."

"Good morning. You're dumb!"

"Do you think I'm not gonna mind prison? I fuck dogs!"

"We'd appreciate it, ladies, if you tickled these twos guys' balls as you were doin' it."

"That's how Keith has sex. See that, kids?"

"We shoulda kissed your ass a little more."

"You start at the face, and then you negotiate."

"...with a joker smile and hot smelly-ass balls slapping against my body repeatedly."

"Fuck you, I quit!"

"TheSimpsonsMovie.com"

"Now I want to freeze your finish to see what the fuck it tastes like."

"Did you invite me out to not have a good time?"

"What the fuck, dude? That is gay. Of course your wife left you. That is stupid."

"Patrice is crazy bad-ass tonight. I'm gonna have nightmares."

"It is fuckin' torture to have shit in my brain that I can't share. I gotta fuckin' spill out every mother-fuckin' thing."

"You were so fat! What happened? You were so fat!"

"He's gonna do whatever I say."

"Why are you such a dick?"

"He knows he's the coolest, rockinest dude in town!"

www.KATG.com/live

"Oh my God. What the fuck? Your face changed!"

"AKA I loved it, and I busted three nuts."

"Spooky, did you hear yesterday's show? You can do whatever you want, dammit. You're an adult."

"We better stick together 'cause we're both fuckin' nuts."

"Damn, Keith, I already stomped on mine!"

"Black People: Do you love Cheez-Itz?"

"Do you have life insurance on Keith? I think he's about to have an aneurysm."

"It's 50 First Dates of your boy dyin'."

"Why are you talking? What are you responding to? My question is not done yet!"

"Would you just end this relationship now? Are you kidding me?"

"I've made a few queers in my day."

"12-year-olds. That's where the money's at."

"Don't nobody know nothin'."

"Why you taking it so seriously?"

"I do The Triple Finger. I do three fingers."

"What's goin' on, Pubeless Cock n' ballz?"

"Live free or die."

"Take the pie. All the pie you can get."

"Sorry, we smoked all $40."

"She didn't get fingered; she got eaten out. I remember Chemda said she came in like two minutes."

"It's a 30-minute drive to the airport, but at least we've got cum guzzling to talk about."

"If you believe in God, admit that He likes jokes."

"You guys play softball, don't you? You just come out and say what you feel. We call this show: I Hate This Guy."

"I can prove my record, Ricky Gervais!"

"No, I don't wanna be in your football thing! Now it's weird, isn't it? Now I'm the asshole!"

"I'm not the one handing out candy in a shit factory!"

"I bet you're not reading this."

"When you need to urinate, do it in this or you will die."

"But I haven't punched anybody in the face while they were sleeping, either. You've done a lot of things nobody else has done."

"Cadet, you got a lot of balls to say such filth to me. And yes I have my shirt."

"Look how he judges me so harsh."

"Stare at him. Stare at him. Don't help him. Why do you guys help these people out?"

"Each hour-long episode is podcast from New York and punctuated with several spit-semen-through-your-nose moments of hilarity."

"I'm aborting the baby."

"You're being used, and you know it. That's the saddest thing. You know it."

"What's a gayfer?"

"You're a goddamn podcast for 15 fuckin' minutes and you come on tellin' me what to do after 30 years of nonstop fuckin' whatever nonstop...

"Effing Jews."

"Today Bush addressed the NAACP and gave a speech to an entire audience of black people. At least that's what I'm told. I don't see color...

"Lemme tell you something Adam Curry: You better tell your boy to shut the fuck up. 'Cause he's making you guys look ridiculous."

"Will you stop interrupting me? It drives me crazy when I listen to the show and I hear you interrupt me. Left and fucking right!"

"I have never been so utterly blown away by the sad state of affairs when it comes to podcasters' RSS feeds."

"I just do it on Suck a Dick Wednesday. Bye!"

"America loves shit."

"And I liked that. 'Cause you don't get that in Jersey."

"Can you get premature ejaculation insurance for an extra $50?"

"You said you don't care about my country... Now you're saying fuck my grandfather..."

"Are you having a Keith Klux Klan moment?"

"If someone was touching you like that you would never date them."

"I'm trying to find closure!"

"I sat in my own shit for 45 minutes. It's so good!"

"We don't need to tell them about the leprechauns. That can be our story."

"Somerset, Pennsylvania: You anger me!"

www.KATG.com/300

"Look at the anger in her face. Look at Keith like that."

"You're not ready for the advanced course, baby. That's all."

"We wanted to thank you for helping us find the solution to a particularly frustrating issue. Smiley face."

"Why in God's name wouldn't you respond to those e-mails?"

"Don't be sorry, baby, be you!"

"I have a nervous tick. I jerk off at kids' parties."

"What the fuck are you laughin' at? You do this! News flash: That's what you do."

"I am too small of a man to look into the great mind of Brother Love."

"I hate that women use that as a weapon."

"I've heard or seen you do some evil shit. I would never wanna be on your bad side."

"New York: Tag. You're it."

"Nobody's allowed to ding this 'cause Brad needs his fuckin' letter told."

"When that epiphany happens then uh... just give us a call back..."

"Everything, I think, is a test."

"The shock, awe and horror on the faces of the audience..."

"Seriously though, nobody tell Satan."

"You were probably drawing with your vagina blood."

"NOOO! NO, I'M NOT UNDER A LOT OF STRESS!"

"Everyone's starting to be a little weird."

"He's wasting 15-year-old piss in a jar?"

"Seriously though, fuckin' reading books... If I can edit my book without reading it somehow, I would do it."

"We see everything scumbags do!"

"It's a thing chicks do. They don't know where they're at."

"That's just for girls to go in there and jerk off to."

"We are, honestly, I believe, the only radio station that would entertain a conversation like that."

"The innocence of a child..."

"DO THAT! DO THAT! DO ME THE FAVOR AND SAY THAT AGAIN!"

"I understand what is appropriate and what isn't."

"When you pee, now of course it stings, it hurts a little bit, maybe it lasts five minutes."

"Why you quizzin' me? I don't know."

"If you have an Asian loved one; Chinese, Japanese, or those other ones..."

"You got good ears for hate."

"I guess you consider that comedy."

"As soon as you left, I was thinkin' of all the possibilities."

"How do we like France today?"

"I got out how to help child molesters. My work is done."

"Whoever is the best fucker gets to make the most money."

"I like any story that starts with 'ass' and ends with 'fists'."

"You just read that it said not to do that!"

"I think I've explored the limits of my sexuality."

"I'm gonna be in the movies."

"You're right, I'm sorry, and help me."

"'Why your hands orange?' ''Cause I'm happy.'"

"How do you sleep tonight, Ticket Giver? Huh? Is that what your family thought you'd be doing, Ticket Giver?"

"I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not good at juggling balls. Chainsaws? Very good."

"You know what bothers me about gays? They ruined the word 'faggot'."

"They're all gonna choke you when you get there."

"The only thing I like better than doin' a crossword is just stompin' on some faggot's balls."

"Call me a cunt. Put it in my ass. I'm a slut."

"Whether I misunderstood you or not, we're gonna send you a warning."

"I'm your guest! Treat me nice!"

"I was peeing blood. And not just reddish-color. I mean actual blood."

"I'm ready to close that right on your bug eyes."

"Give it over to the daddy. Daddy will know what to do better than you."

"Suck your own monster cock since it's so gigantic."

"So then you lied to us, didn't you, you little cunt bitch?"

"She has to remind me that I need clothes."

"And I'm totally opposed to this 'cause it's so wrong..."

"If his mother catches him, we're goin' to jail."

"I gave Balls a couple naked pictures of Hari."

"Keith, your cock was cheated."

"The day after that I bought a butt plug."

"Don't make me laugh at this."

"They're ruinin' my good name."

"Today is a very special night. It's a magical night."

"You shouldn't put that much technology in your vagina."

"You can open it up and you got a dick in your face, absolutely."

"I'm not Muslim, but I'm on their side."

"Big gay balls to you."

"This tastes like I got a cut on my knee."

"The ignorance astounds me."

"I'll make them be gay. I'm just tryin' to pee."

"If we can redo the laws: Kill him."

"They all know their place."

"I can't believe I get that look from you."

"Sandra, it is Suck a Dick Wednesday. I'ma see ya tonight. What are we gonna do?"

"Don't fuckin' embarrass me like that."

"You guys don't have viruses because nobody fuckin' cares about you."

"Jesus is my sober. Fuck you!"

"You know what I'm doing. Is this funny? This is - this is funny. You know what I'm doin'! You know I'm doin' everythin' right!"

"Get away from the door, niggaaa."

"I can't try harder 'cause there's something in my crotch."

"I was about to say, 'DEUCE DEUCE', but are we saying that anymore?"

"I'm fancy as fuck."

"The Fag Community got us again."

"Thank you for your quality letter, Sick Fuck."

"I'll tell you what: Somebody will owe somebody an apology tomorrow."

"Does your girlfriend ever do that, guys?"

"You know you're just my friend. Right?"

"This whole world doesn't make sense! I gave Keith beer!"

"I can calm down, and I can get my crazy in order."

"Save it for the show."

"Why am I even thinkin' about this? Fuck you!"

"And the dick looks surprisingly like your dick."

"The first killing is always awkward."

"I need the sick stuff."

"This is what your kids are watching, by the way."

"It's not my fault, but it definitely wasn't right."

"Fattest Nation in the World say, 'What?'"

"Who you callin' boyfriend? We're not fuckin'."

"Cock blood does taste the worst."

"Oh, we got another cripple! I'll take it..."

"I devote entire days to blowing you. Wednesday. Heard of it much?"

"Good mornin', everybody. We're drinkin' at Malley's Neighborhood Pub."

"Please stop saying stuff like this! Please! Do you see the record button is on?"

"I seriously think I might shit my pants this episode."

"Deuce is out; Spooky's in."

"All of a sudden the ATF makes sense."

"Do you know what dead mouse smells like?"

"You fuckin' bitch. Don't even mention that. Don't even say that."

"Stick somethin' in your asshole. Who's gonna know?"

"So, 1 to 10: How gay are you?"

"Oh my God. I didn't know you people really looked like that."

"We gave bandanas to all the Indians when we gave them AIDS."

"I'm Douchebag Wiggle."

"What the fuck show you listenin' to?"

"If somebody can do it, chances are I can do it."

"Nobody knows you better than you."

"When did we become homeless?"

"I can't even explain it. You'll see. You'll see..."

"Good to talk to you before we all die."

"Crazy. White. People."

"All of this. Everything I see in this building is my skill."

"If you're Batman or you're trying to get blowjobs, you can wear those shirts."

"Apologies don't last forever, Honey. You got your fuckin' apology."

"Don't make babies with scalawags."

"That's the thing with lesbians; they got so much goin' for 'em, but they don't fuck dudes."

"Well the robot didn't show up. We're not at Stage 3 of HUAR yet."

"Hey all you assholes, come and listen to us. It's the Keith and The Girl show."

âIn come the real-titted, girls, you know? Itâs like we got the lunch bitches.â?

"It only takes one misunderstanding."

"I'm lookin' for two stick figures. One of 'em's always drinkin' I guess."

"You know you really have to work hard, and you have to give 'em UH! UH! UH!"

"No-no, I think you can be a normal person. No-no, let's keep tryin'."

"You were just saying 'what an asshole' so Stephanie can pee in her pants."

"That wasn't the bet! The bet was: Can I drink on antibiotics? And I won!"

"So what's your problem with me, Chief?"

"I don't understand why it doesn't smell like shit and piss. '311?'"

"If I were a doctor, I might go in and scalpel some bullshit."

"Why don't you just take out your balls? 'Where is Bally?' 'Here I am.'"

"I quickly get rid of it 'cause I feel like the government's on the other end."

"I couldn't think of a phrase or something that would be on Wheel of Fortune that doesn't have a curse word in it."

"Easy, Dane Cook. You're still pretty."

"Good for you you got fat."

"You're tryin' to say 'I love you' in a nice fuckin' way!"

"The human body will shake, so you're gonna need a tripod."

"How many times do I have to lie to you? Once!"

"If the husband doesn't get home in time, there's gonna be a quickie."

"I know those little sensitive kids can't kick my ass. That is the difference."

"My vagina hurts as you're saying this."

"And really, me saying nigger is wrong; 'cause when I think it, I mean it. I don't mean it with a 'a', I mean it with a 'e-r'."

"How'd ya know? I was on cocaine. I forgot to mention that."

"She loves to slice wrists. You would think she's perfect."

"Crawling under barbed wire through mud: Looks cool; not really fun."

"You are listening right now! You have herpes! I know it!"

"I can't make up my mind about Dane Cook. So my question is: 'Doug Stanhope; do we like Dane Cook?'"

"So that's 40 percent of the people thought I was an asshole."

"You can run back with your dick in your hand and press 'ALL IN'."

"Thank you for making me understand the definition of beauty."

"I bet you still gotta use bigger and bigger vibrators until finally you need a jackhammer."

"I just decided it was bullshit and washed it out of my brain."

"1 in 4 Africans has AIDS. And there's 5 of them in the tent."

"Why aren't you drinkin'?"

"We're broken up. Unless you guys write enough so that we should care."

"This is the biggest fuckin' thing, these iPods."

"If we can't kill people for being weirdos, then we have to help them!"

"Hunt 'em fast; kill 'em slow."

"Our fans may be good-looking; they're not the best storytellers."

"I look at Abraham Lincoln in a picture or somethin', first thing I think of is that he's black."

"This Friday, for the poker game, we're letting in gay people."

"I'd like a fuckin' wraparound couch, dickhead."

"The big entertainment of the whole thing: Comedy Hypnosis Show."

"Hey you're on Keith and The Girl. How much do you weigh?"

"If you pay your taxes and be-the-fuck-have, you may stay."

"You're pulling on it! I'm not wearing some kinda new sexy pants, but I gotta keep pulling on my dick!"

"That's offensive to balls!"

"I always walk behind you and go, 'That was a joke. And he's just funny.'"

"Who gets up this early? Honestly."

"Dice is an Angel of God."

"Abracadabra; all that shit."

"That is not our policy to call you a bitch dog."

"If it's more than five dollars, it's pretentious."

"How do we get gotten on such a dumb fuckin' thing?"

"Go 'head, Keith. Get your balls back."

"Why would they want, Andrea? That is correct. Why would they want? How could that help us in any way? It can't! It can't help us in any ...

"Remember when you snooped through their shit? Well, they're snoopin' through your shit! Hide the sex toys!"

"If you're gonna lose your house to some game: FullTiltPoker.com."

"I have simulated herpes."

"Old enough that I should've said, 'Stop pulling my dick.'"

"I wish we could say more. I can't wait until the day when we go, 'You know what? We don't need friends.' That is gonna be a good show."

"Oh that's so funny that you mentioned it cause it's the first time that I brought beer and that's when we mentioned it."

"When I do post, I type it in Notepad first so I don't click 'send' by accident and get my ass handed to me."

"So what about me? Lick a Twat Tuesday."

"God sounds like Fat Jani Lane."

"Speaking of drugs, this is part of Clown Monday..."

"Mark, you have the biggest balls..."

"Can't one person shake me, the other person yell BOO!, and then take a hundred dollars? Then I have the rest of my day free."

"I will probably not listen to your show again - DAMMIT! - based on your ignorance and insensitivity regarding BLANK."

"I'm being sabotaged at home."

"Just real fast: cockandballs. It's fun."

"Every word you said in English was a polite word. It's like Hebrew didn't have nice words."

"And I'm just disappointed, like I didn't get to show my sister a freak, you know?"

"I'm no longer watching. You're gonna have to tell me what's happening."

"...and Ron Weasley fucks the chick in the ass."

"Way to take a stand on something, French."

"Was she like: 'Whoa, it just came to me. That's fuckin' gross. I will not do it again. I just realized what I was doing.'"

"I'm all for making people cry."

"Womenfolk are gone, bitches. 2. 3. 4."

"Congratulations to Amy Miller, you fuckin' hog."

"Yes, absolutely. I would punch a woman."

"If all I did was swim, and I didn't have to do anything else, I think I could win a gold."

"'Do you know how to make a flower?' They saw me making flowers all day. 'No.' 'Yes you do!' 'Then why are you asking?'"

"Sometimes I'll find something on the ground, and I'm not sure what it is, so I'll put it in my mouth to figure it out. Sometimes it's no...

"God bless white people!"

"When you are at work drunk IMing your mom: 'I'm just jerkin' off. What are you doin'?'"

"I went to my wife's job... I cursed out all the managers..."

"Dennis wants to see no harm done to kids? It's Clown Monday."

"You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

"Well, we were talking about being humped as children..."

"Fuck you you fuckin' fuck."

"And I'm not some weirdo wiping my dickhead with my hand."

"I'm gonna put this Rest In Peace on blast, son."

"And granted I'm not a little boy, you know? 18. And some cultures consider that being a man."

"This guy just wouldnât fuckinâ come! You know what? Shit like this makes me wanna go back to the dungeon!"

"At first, naturally, I just wanna look at her tits. But then, it's like, mmmmm, I'm allowed to read somethin'."

"Now say that I'm smart. I'll blow you; you say I'm smart."

"No big deal. No big whoop. I just made, a big 'ol poop."

"But if you're 10-years-old this is a way to get felt up by an adult."

"I can't keep it to myself: Jimmy Fallen sucks."

"I lost my train of thought. Who cares? Another Vicodin?"

"They had the American flag in their poster and everything, you assholes! The flying eagle... I trust that eagle, sir!"

"I should have washed her vag."

"Three ways to tell fatties they're grotesque without getting them upset."

"She fuckin' is a designer cause she graduated from NYU or whatever the hell... Please. Learn to suck a cock. Did you live in a dorm?"

"It must be awesome to be black in this country."

"The fat guy trips, and I'm like, 'I think he's dead. Dig in.'"

"Yeah, that's somethin' you should say. Or: jump out the fuckin' window. And I opted for the window. And: that was smarter; cause then I'...

"Shut the fuck up, and fuck a woman!"

"It's not like you finish and your nipples are bleeding; you're like that was some good sex. You ran for that!"

"Do you have the sex sheet? I can't find it. I would hate to ruin another good sheet."

"Did you put the chair down on her foot? Alright, quit ruinin' my story."

"That's not weird. Continue. Continue, please. She makes everything a big deal."

"Just shoot me in the face. What shoes does she wear? Ohhhh..."

"I turned him upside down, and Elmo stuffed him in a garbage."

"She's gonna root for the parapelegics of the world, and I'm goin' for the human beings."

"Black women are the worst. And I've had 'em all!"

"This is a momentum of why you hate your mom."

"Well quit lookin' in temples fuckin' Satan."

"When did you become retarded?"

"Stop yawning into the mike, please. Jesus Christ! A little subtlety, thank you."

"I'm just upset that I wasn't invited."

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!

"I think in eating out the stripper: you both lost."

"Girls don't know that. That happens sometimes."

NO QUOTE TODAY. WHO CARES?

"'Oh he thinks we're fuckin' playin'.' And they take the gun and they point it at my legs."

"I think this is a set-up and that's your wife and you're gonna punch me in the face."

"I like men now. I am gay."

"Look at Patrice's face. She can't take it."

"This Keith is a genius, and his speech impediment just emphasizes his wit and ageless wisdom!"

"Okay, now say something nice about my vagina."

"We were undercover cops like 21 Jump Street."

"You were just quiet cause you were so mad that all that alcohol was gone."

"Cheese is on twelve when you're high."

"Are you gonna sing Amazing Grace? You're on the air right now, and we're tryin' to find the next singer."

"Hey, who wants to blow my boyfriend? Wooo!"

"Make it stop. I'm gonna hit my head against the wall. Just punch me."

"I like it. No, it's awesome. It's like putting the Transformers Autobon face on your chest."

"Victor, you're a black albino. You're God's little special project. You're special."

"You were gone! You said you were gone!"

"I wanna get it in there before she changes her mind."

"You get arrested and you're on COPS, your first call should be to an agent."

"Thank you, Maria. And good luck to you. I know you believe in Hell."

"Computers are made out of ones and zeros. Throw a fuckin' two in there!"

"I had a roommate, One-Eyed Davis, that I caught stealin' money from me, and, so I pissed all over his - in all his drawers, and I poured...

"Dick! I was watchin' that! Why don't you just go in my house and change the fuckin' channel?"

"So he was #1 and gets The Pope dying. I think that's fair, if I get this guy: One of the greatest comics, Mitch Hedberg, is dead."

"They don't even know why they're on! Well fuck you, you're getting off."

"CNN just reported Terri Shiavo, 41-years old, is dead. So uhh... sorry about all those jokes. Alright, lookin' at, uh, the Amityville mu...

"He's the one that edited this and put it together. So when you're seeing this guy fuck dog-style and then he turns the phone to his fat ...

"Granted I didn't read it, so that could be your argument to argue with me, but I know it fuckin' sucked."

"If Christ is real, in about a week to a week and a half, we will be in the Top 10."

"Some of these are just like joke commandments - just to make sure you're listening."

"Whitney Houston is in rehab. Just sliced a bitch. Yeah, in the throat. In the shower."

"Fuck it! Tonight: hookers, drugs, you, my girlfriend Betsy, eatin' pussy, suckin' dick, lickin' tits... Eatin' pussy..."

"I've decided to take action by checking myself into an intensive recovery program. Overcoming this problem is a top priority in my life ...

"I hate that fuckin' bitch of a wife that I have, and I hope that she burns in Hell..."

"It's gonna take a hell of a work to get that shit outta your foot."

"I masturbated to all these people! Who's next?"

"And then suddenly I wake up, and I'm on a plane to the Dominican Republic."

"I believe assholes are born not raised."

"Everybody's gotta act like a fuckin' adult!"

"Hi. I'm Jeff. I'm a - I'm a jerkoff. It's pleased to meet you. Please don't call me Jeffrey. That's what my mom calls me when I'm trying...

"Their show has really just turned into a countdown of when he chokes her."

"We come here all the time. So eat it."

"I don't like any trauma, and chicks are crazy."

"I want to have sex, so I'm like, 'Can you finally pick at this? This's disgusting.'"

"Does that make you cranky, or it turns you into a man?"